


does this look like something the boyfriend of captain america would wear?

by cas_makes_me_very_happy



Series: A.V.E.N.G.E.R.S [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers Compound, Avengers Family, Dialogue Heavy, Domestic Avengers, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Friends AU, M/M, Sass, Slice of Life, Tony Stark needs a nap, idk what to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 11:55:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19425481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cas_makes_me_very_happy/pseuds/cas_makes_me_very_happy
Summary: THE ONE WHERE NO ONE'S READYSteve's trying to get everyone ready in time for his big speech but they're all insufferable





	does this look like something the boyfriend of captain america would wear?

**Author's Note:**

> dammit Marvel all i wanted was an Avengers sitcom like Friends and instead ur giving me a rerelease of Endgame so i can suffer through three hours of pain all over again just for five minutes of bonus content that probably won't be the SteveBucky battle reunion that i crave

****Sam Wilson had learnt early on in his time with the Avengers that it was better not to interfere. Getting into an argument was a week-long commitment. Telling someone it was probably not a good idea to do that thing would only make them 100% more likely to do it. Vis-a-vis, telling someone _to do_ something meant that thing would never get done.

So when Clint started rummaging through the fridge when he should’ve been getting ready for Steve’s big speech, Sam just sat back and watched.

“Okay, we have beer, vodka, bourbon, whiskey, wine, gin, and–” Clint held up a glass “–what looks like cider.”

Scott, lounging in the armchair, also not getting ready, looked up. “Taste it.”

Clint lifted the glass and downed a mouthful. Then he coughed and set the glass back in the fridge. “It’s fat. I drank fat.”

“Yeah, I know,” Scott said. “I did that two minutes ago.”

“Why do we have a glass of fat?”

“It’s Natasha’s,” Sam said. “Some Russian thing.”

“Hey,” Steve said, coming into the room. Jeez, that guy could fill out a suit. Not that Sam swung that way. And also, Bucky was a jealous bastard.

“He-ey, Mr Tux.” Clint whistled.

“Hey,” Sam said. “Looking good.”

Steve rubbed the back of his neck, looking coy. “Thanks, man. So do you.” Then he noticedClint and Scottwere still in sweats. “Why aren’t you guys dressed?”

“We still have a half hour,” Clint said, sinking back onto the couch.

“No, five minutes ago you had a half hour. We need to leave at twenty to if we wanna make it in time.”

“Relax. It’ll take us two minutes to get dressed.”

“Seriously, guys. Suit up.”

“Okay,” Clint and Scott said at the same time, making no attempt to get up.

Steve rolled his eyes and turned back to Sam. “Have you seen–?”

“Damn, Rogers,” Bucky said, walking into the lounge with nothing but a towel wound round his waist. And odd socks. “Could you have chosen a tighter suit?”

Steve dragged his eyes away from Bucky to glance down at himself. “What? Does it look bad?”

“No.” Bucky stepped right up into his space. “It’s perfect.”

“Oh.”

“Mmm.” Bucky stretched up and kissed Steve. “Hi. Why didn’t you come home earlier?”

“Cuz I’m an idiot.”

“You got that right.”

Bucky leant in again, but Sam cleared his throat loudly and obnoxiously. “Get a room.”

Bucky flipped him off.

Steve stepped back though, mostly to take Bucky in again. “You look good.”

“I hope so. It took me forty minutes to get my hair right.”

“You almost ready?”

“Yeah, just have to get dressed.”

“And that takes, what, like six or seven minutes?”

“Yeah.” Bucky smiled. “Once I figure out what I’m wearing.” He kissed Steve’s cheek and turned back towards the bedrooms. Steve slumped onto the couch.

Scott stood up and Steve straightened hopefully. “Are you getting dressed too?”

“I need more peanuts,” Scott said, crushing Steve’s hope like a bug. He hesitated, frowning at Steve’s expression, then, “Do you want some?”

Steve let his head thump back again.

“What’s the matter, Cap?” Clint asked, sitting down on a chair beside him with a fresh beer instead of fat. “You nervous? Don’t you make a speech, like, every other day?”

“This is a little different,” Steve muttered. “You wanna hear it?”

“Am I in it?”

“Yeah, after I thank everyone for coming, I sing a song about the wonders of Hawkeye.”

Sam snorted while Clint frowned, trying to work out if Steven G. Serious was being sarcastic or not.

“Hey,” Wanda said, sweeping into the room. She was wearing a dark red dress that flowed down to her ankles. Silver rings and bangles glittered around her fingers and wrists, and an amethyst pendant hung around her neck.

There was a chorus of, “Hey,” back at her, and one wolf-whistle from Sam.

“Wow, Wanda, you look great,” Steve said, getting up.

Wanda blushed and let him kiss her cheek. “Thank you. I know, though.”

Steve looked back at Clint and gestured to Wanda. “See, this is a person who is ready to go.” Clint rolled his eyes. Steve turned back to Wanda. “Wanda, you are a star.”

Wanda looked confused, but she continued to smile. “Thanks, Steve. You’re pretty great too.”

“We’re out of peanuts, so I got Doritos,” Scott said, coming back into the room. “Wow, Wanda, you look amazing. Salsa?” he offered.

Wanda politely declined.

Scott put his chips and dips down and stood over Clint. “Get up.”

Clint looked up. “What?”

“You’re in my seat.”

“How is this your seat?”

Scottlooked incredulously to Steve, Wanda and Sam, then back to Clint. “Cuz I was sitting there.”

“But then you left,” Clint pointed out.

“Well, it’s not like I went to Spain,” Scott said. “I just went to the kitchen. You knew I was coming back.”

“So what? Sit somewhere else.”

“But I was sitting there last.”

“So?”

“So… it’s my seat! Move your ass!”

Steve decided to intervene then before any blood was spilled. “You know what, guys? It doesn’t matter, because you both have to get up and get dressed before I lose my shit and make you.”

Scott nodded. “All right, Cap, I just have to do one thing really quickly, it’s not a big deal – GET UP!” he shouted.

Everyone blinked, a little startled.

“Hey,” Natasha called, coming through from the garage, laden with shopping bags. “Ooo, Wanda, you look great!”

Wanda ducked her head, smiling. “All right already.”

“Ooo,” Natasha continued when she caught sight of Steve, “are you gonna do magic?”

“Ha, ha,” Steve said. “Are you ready to go?”

“I just got back from shopping. I can’t go like this.”

“Why not? You look fine.”

Natasha scoffed. “Steve, sweetie.”

“Well, can you hurry? We need to be there by eight.”

“Yes, Mum. Give me a minute.”

“You’ve got–” Steve glanced at his watch “–twenty-one.”

Natasha ignored him, opening the fridge to put more alcohol inside. “Has someone been drinking my fat?”

“You guys,” Bucky said, coming back into the lounge. He’d put on jeans, and now held up a dark-blue button up shirt. “Does this look like something the boyfriend of Captain America would wear?”

“I dunno,” Sam said. “I think you’re the first one.”

Bucky smirked.

“Very funny,” Steve said. “It looks great, Buck.”

“Barnes, where are the knives you borrowed?” Natasha asked. “They’re the only ones that fit under the dress I’m planning to wear.”

“I put them back in your room,” Bucky replied. “Wait, you know what? These are the jeans that make my calves look fat.” Bucky left again, Natasha with him, missing Steve almost collapsing in exasperation. Sam saw, though, and gave him a sympathetic pat on the back.

“So, Barton,” Scott began conversationally while Clint began snacking on Scott’s forgotten Doritos and Wanda watched in amusement. “I wrote a little song today. It’s called ‘Get Up’.”

Clint sighed. “All right. You can have the chair back.”

Scott hesitated. “Really?”

“Oh, wait,” Clint said, lifting his hand where he’d crossed his fingers. “Would you look at that!” He started cackling.

That was when Tony sprinted into the room, half-wearing his tux, and waving his phone around in his hand. No one reacted at first, as this wasn’t unusual Tony behaviour.

“Pepper called!” he said loudly.

Steve looked over. “What?”

“She didn’t leave a message, but, look, that’s her number right there in the missed calls.” Tony waved the phone in Steve’s face. “Should I call her back? I should call her back.”

“No!” everyone cried.

Tony jumped a little. “No?”

“It was probably just a miss-dial,” Steve said. “She would have left a message if it wasn’t.”

“But… but we agreed not to talk. What if it’s important?”

“Listen, Tony,” Steve said, getting to his feet. “When Sharon and I broke up, I went through the exact same thing. And you know what I did?”

“Uh-uh,” Tony said.

“I got dressed.” Steve put his hands on Tony’s shoulders and started steering him back towards the bedrooms.

“Okay, fine,” Scott said, turning back to Clint. “Just sit right there. As long as you don’t mind my hand right here.” He shoved his hand about three centimetres from Clint’s face. “You can’t get mad cuz I’m not touching. Can’t get mad, not touching.”

Clint tried to shove Scott’s hand away, but he was still holding a Dorito and ended up flicking salsa right at Wanda. Everyone gasped.

“Oh!” Wanda exclaimed. “You… rotten boys!”

“Sorry, Wanda, sorry, Wanda,” Clint and Scott chanted.

Wanda tried to wipe the salsa off but only ended up smearing it across her dress.

“Don’t rub it!” Steve said. “Quick, what gets out salsa?”

“My knives are not in there,” Natasha said, striding into the room in only an under-dress and empty sheaths strapped to her thighs.

“Nat, you’ve probably cleaned your fair share of blood from clothes, what gets out salsa?”

“That lying bitch is probably using them himself,” Natasha said, clearly not listening. “Barnes!” She stalked off to find him.

“Thanks,” Wanda said sarcastically. “I’ll try that.” She disappeared to the bathroom to try and fix the salsa mishap.

Tony was back. “If it wasn’t a miss-dial, what is she calling to say?”

“Maybe she’s calling to say that you’re obsessive and crazy,” Clint suggested.

“So should I call her back?”

“NO!”

Tony turned to go, then turned back.

“NO!”

Tony groaned and left again.

“All right, fine, you know what, we’ll both sit in the chair,” Scott declared, before sitting right in Clint’s lap. There was a moment of silence broken only by the faux-shutter sound of Sam taking a picture on his phone. “I am _so_ comfortable.”

“So am I,” Clint replied, voice muffled. “In fact, I might be a little _too_ comfortable–”

Scott sprung back up while Clint laughed.

“Okay, look,” Steve said. “We have nineteen minutes. Why don’t you go get changed, and when you come back, Clint will go and get changed and will have vacated the chair, okay?” Without waiting for an answer, he started pushing Scott down the hall. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Scott said, like he had another choice when he was being manhandled by a super-soldier. “But when I get back, it’s chair city, and I’m the guy who’s… sitting in a chair!” Somewhere down the hall, his door banged closed.

Clint started crunching on Doritos, looking pretty pleased with himself.

“Thanks for your help,” Steve said to Sam.

Sam shrugged. “You’re the captain, Captain.”

“Well, that’s it,” Wanda said, coming back into the room. “I can’t go. This is the only dress I have and it’s been chillied!”

Bucky followed her into the room, now dressed in tight black pants and a purple V-neck. “Does this look too slutty– Oh my God, Wanda,” he said, catching sight of her ruined dress. “What happened?”

“Salsa,” she cried. “I got the salsa!”

“It’s okay, d’you wanna wear my leather jacket?”

“That’s sweet, but you’ve got shoulders for days and I don’t.”

“Okay, well, I’m sure Nat has something you can wear. Let’s just get you out of that.”

“What?” Steve said. “No. Why are you getting out of clothes?”

“There you are, you little bitch,” Natasha said.

“Hey, Nat,” Bucky said.

“Man, don’t respond to that,” Sam muttered.

“Where are my knives?” Natasha demanded.

“I put them on your dresser.”

“Oh, you’re so full of shit, Barnes. I can see you’ve got them on you right now. Take your pants off.”

“Nobody is taking any clothes off!” Steve exclaimed.

“Wow, you must be fun in the bedroom,” Clint muttered, getting up to get more salsa.

“I called her,” Tony said, coming back.

“Called who?” Bucky muttered to Natasha, who shrugged.

“Pepper,” Sam told them.

They both winced. “Ohhh, no.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Tony said. “I got her voicemail and I left a message, but it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy,” he said. Then, “Oh, God, what if it wasn’t breezy?”

“Well, how could it not be breezy?” Bucky said. “Because you’re in such a breezy place.”

“Oh, God,” Tony said again. “Okay, I’m going to play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it’s breezy or not.”

“How are you going to do that?” Steve asked.

Tony fidgeted with his phone. “I had JARVIS hack her number,” he said, and Sam wasn’t even surprised. “JARVIS.”

“I don’t think we have the time–” Steve began.

“ _Playing message, sir_ ,” JARVIS said, followed by a beep.

Just then, Scott came back in a suit, and Sam noticed he actually scrubbed up all right. He paused in the entrance, and Clint looked around from where he was filling a bowl with Doritos, and they both looked at the empty chair.

Scott sprinted for it.

Clint somersaulted over the bench and launched himself onto the chair.

Scott skidded passed, cursing.

“ _Hey, Pepper, it’s me_ ,” Tony’s voice said through the speakers. “ _I’m just checking in because I missed a call from you and I wasn’t sure if it was a miss-dial or what, so… this is me, just checking. Let me know. Or don’t. Whatever._ ” There was a pause. “ _I’m breezy_.”

“Hey,” Scott said. “You can’t say you’re breezy. That just totally negates the breezy.”

“You think?” Tony asked, cringing.

There was a crack of thunder overhead and Steve groaned. “Great, now it’s raining. That’ll make traffic better. Fuckin’ Thor.”

Bucky finally seemed to realise Steve was getting serious, if the F-bomb was anything to go by. “Okay, Tony, go get dressed, you sounded super breezy.”

“Really?”

“Really. Wanda, you go with Nat. I gotta change my pants.”

“What? Why?” Steve said as the others hurried off.

Bucky gestured to himself. “Nat’s right. You can totally see I’m carrying knives in these. I gotta find something else. I dunno about this shirt either.”

“You don’t know what you’re gonna wear?”

“Babe, I’m just trying to look good for your big night.”

“Yeah, which we have to leave for in thirteen minutes. Christ, I’ll come and pick something out for you.”

Steve and Bucky disappeared, leaving only Clint, Scott and Sam. Sam continued to lounge at the counter and watch.

“All right,” Scott began, “you may have noticed that I am dressed. In turn, I have noticed that you are not. So in the wise words of 50 Cent, ‘I say get up!’”

“Okay,” Clint said, and got to his feet.

He then proceeded to take the cushions off the chair and head down towards his room like it was no big deal.

“Uh,” Scott said, “what are you doing?”

“Well, you said I had to give you the chair. You didn’t say anything about the cushions.”

“The cushions are the essence of the chair!”

“That’s right,” Clint said. “I’m taking the essence!”

Scott watched him head down the hall, then turned to Sam. “He’ll be back.”

Sam just looked up from his phone and raised an eyebrow.

Steve stumbled back into the room as Bucky pushed him down the hall. “Sorry, Buck, I thought it looked good.”

“It was a Halloween costume. Unless you want me to go to this thing dressed as Iron Man.”

Steve grimaced. “No thank you.”

“Ooo, Bucky,” Wanda said, ducking into the lounge. She held a green dress up in front of her. “Isn’t this perfect for me?”

“It’s perfect,” Bucky gushed. “Oh, but not for tonight.”

“No, of course not for tonight.”

“Uh,” Steve said. “Not for tonight? _Not for tonight?_ Why are you trying on clothes not for tonight?”

Wanda raised her eyebrows. “Sorry, sorry.”

“Love you,” Bucky said to him, grabbing Wanda’s hand and pulling her away. “Breathe. I love you.”

Steve slumped onto the stool next to Sam. Sam wordlessly offered him a beer.

“All right!” Clint shouted, storming back into the room. “Where’s my underwear?”

“Oh my God. You took his underwear?” Steve asked, beyond exasperated.

“He took my essence!” Scott exclaimed.

Steve actually face-palmed. “Okay, okay. Barton, why can’t you just wear the underwear you have on now?”

“Cuz I’m not wearing any underwear now.”

Steve looked at Sam, ‘what even is my life’ written in his eyes, then back at Clint. “Okay, then, why do you have to wear underwear tonight?”

“It’s a rented tux,” Clint said. “I’m not gonna go commando in another man’s fatigues.”

“You don’t own a tux?” Sam asked.

“It’s got spaghetti stains on it,” Clint muttered.

Steve sighed.

“Well, it looks like someone’s going to have to give somebody back his cushions,” Scott said.

They glared at each other.

“Okay,” Clint said. “You hide my clothes, I’m gonna do the exact opposite to you.”

“What? You’re going to _show me_ my clothes?”

“Hey! Opposite… is opposite,” Clint said,

“You’ve got nothing!” Scott shouted after him.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Wanda said, coming back. She was still in the salsa-fied dress, but had pinned a hideous red, white and blue brooch directly over the stain which was directly over her breast.

Steve and Scott quickly hid their expressions of horror, while Sam gave her the thumbs up.

“Natasha didn’t have anything that wasn’t skin-tight, which I’m not exactly comfortable wearing,” Wanda explained. “But she did have this Captain America Christmas ribbon and I thought, all right, fine, I’ll be political.”

“What are you supporting?” Sam asked.

“Christmas. Duh.” She paused. “And you, Steve.”

Everyone looked at Steve.

Steve said, “You know what? I don’t even care. You look great, Wanda. Three down, four to go, and we have… we have seven minutes. We have seven minutes!”

Bucky sprinted into the room, barefoot. “Wanda, quick, which shoes should I wear? Brown or black?”

“Oh, I don’t–”

Steve went into full freak-out mode. “Just pick one!”

“Okay. Black,” Wanda said. Then, “Wait, brown. Wait, do you have any fancy boots? You look good in boots.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said. “But they really go better with jeans.” He paused. “Maybe I should wear jeans.”

“Yeah, jeans,” Steve exclaimed suddenly. “What an idea! Or better yet, maybe you should go without any pants. Look,” he said, crossing to Bucky’s side where he still stood holding two different shoes, “I don’t know what you’re trying to do to me, but we have six minutes. Just get your ass in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet.”

Bucky opened his mouth. “But–”

“No, I don’t care if they match. I don’t care if they make your ankles, or your knees, or your earlobes look fat. Just go in there and pick something out so we can go.”

Bucky slowly closed his mouth. There was a heavy silence.

Then Bucky said, “All right,” and turned back to his room. He brushed right passed Tony, who didn’t even seem to notice he was almost run over by a super-soldier.

“I called her again,” Tony said.

“Jeez, man,” Sam said.

“Got her voicemail again. Tell me if this is breezier. JARVIS.”

There was a beep, followed by Tony’s voice. “ _Hey, Pep, me again. Sorry about the last message, we’re getting ready for Steve’s speech and he’s got everyone stressing out._ ” Steve shot Tony an unimpressed look. “ _Which I don’t have a date for, by the way. Which is, you know, a personal choice. Anyway. Call me back. Or whatever._ ”

There was a pause.

“Breezy, right?” Tony said.

“Man, that was worse,” Sam said.

“Really? Maybe I should call her again,” he said, lifting his phone.

“Give me that,” Steve said, yanking the phone out of Tony’s hand. “Go and get dressed.”

“Okay,” Tony said, before running back down the hall.

“Doesn’t he have like a billion communication devices in there?” Scott said.

Steve swore.

“We’re on it,” Wanda said, grabbing Scott and hurrying after Tony.

Bucky wandered back into the room in sweats and a hoodie, his hair tied back in a messy bun. Ignoring Steve completely, he strode right into the kitchen and started banging about in the cupboards.

“Um,” Steve said. He glanced at Sam, who shrugged, then looked back at Bucky. “I know it says black tie optional, but this might be pushing it a little.”

Bucky thumped a pot down onto the counter and smiled at Steve. “Yeaaaaah. I’m not gonna go.”

Steve crossed to his side. “You’re not… you’re not gonna go?”

“No. I think I’m gonna make some pasta and catch up on Netflix.”

Steve gaped at him. “How can you not be going?”

“Well, I’m not gonna go,” Bucky said, slowly, like he was talking to an idiot. “So I think that will accomplish the not going.”

Steve watched Bucky tip some pasta into the pot, swear, tip it out again and fill the pot with water. “Just out of curiosity,” he began.

Bucky immediately jumped on the opening. “Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I’m not really feeling in a benefit-y kind of mood, y’know?”

“Oh, God,” Steve said. “God, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, but, you’re mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“You’re not?”

“No. I’m just not going.”

“You’re not going,” Steve said. He closed his eyes briefly. “Okay. You know that I have to go, right?” Bucky nodded as he banged some more cupboards open. “So is it gonna be like I’m abandoning you while you’re upset?”

“Nope.”

“Nope?”

“Nope.” Bucky pulled out a knife and began cutting up tomatoes.

Steve watched, wincing each time one exploded. “Okay. Because you’re not upset?”

“Right.”

“About the yelling.”

“Right. And the humiliating.”

“Yes, of course, the humiliating.” Steve pressed his hands together. “So we’re good?”

“Sure.”

“We’re okay?”

“Yep.”

“Okay,” Steve said. He watched Bucky for a moment longer. “Buck?”

Bucky finally looked up at Steve. “Yeah?”

“I love you,” Steve said, leaning in.

Bucky turned his head so Steve kissed his cheek instead. “Mm-hmm.”

There was a shout from down the hall, which sounded a lot like Tony, followed by a thump. A moment later, Scott and Wanda came back, followed by Natasha, who was wearing a tight black dress. Sam couldn’t see any knives, so she must’ve gotten those ones back from Bucky.

“Tony’s just getting dressed,” Wanda said.

That was when Clint reappeared, wearing the Ant Man suit. Everyone assembled sort of just gaped at him for a minute.

“All right, pal,” he said. “Here it is. You take my most important piece of clothing, I take yours.”

“Oh my God,” Scott said. “That is not the opposite of taking someone’s underwear!”

“Which, funnily enough, I still haven’t gotten back,” Clint said. Scott made a disgusted face. “And, boy, it’s a little hot in this suit. I better not do any, I dunno… lunges.”

Which he did, lunging right into Scott’s personal space.

“You disgust me,” Scott said.

Clint just kept on lunging.

“Okay, okay,” Steve said, stepping between them. “Enough of the lunging. I’m sick of this. Neither of you can come to the party.”

There was a pause.

“Jeez, Cap, don’t be such a baby,” Scott said, scoffing.

“Yeah, man, I was just about to go get dressed,” Clint added.

“I don’t care,” Steve said. “The only person I cared about getting dressed is the one person who says he’s not even gonna go anymore.” He moved back over to where Bucky was leaning against the counter, snacking on raw pasta because he didn’t actually know what he was doing. “Look, Bucky, I’m sorry.” Bucky gave him an unimpressed look, but Steve powered through. “I was a jerk and a punk. I’m so sorry I yelled at you. What can I do to show you how much I want you to be there?”

Clint said, “You could drink the fat.”

Steve ran a hand down his face. “Barton, I know you’ve never had a mature relationship before, so please…”

“No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute,” Bucky said, waving a metal finger at Clint. “That actually sounds interesting.”

“What,” Steve deadpanned.

Bucky turned to him. “I think you should drink the fat.”

“Yay,” Scott said.

Steve stared at Bucky, then at the fat, which was still sitting out on the counter. He swallowed. “Okay. Okay, if that’s what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there, then that’s what I’ll do.” He stood up and picked up the glass, peering inside. Chunky bits floated around. Steve steeled himself. “Okay. Cheers.”

He raised the glass, but Bucky jumped forward and grabbed his wrists. “No, no, no, don’t, I’ll go, I’ll go.”

Steve lowered the glass. “You will?”

Bucky gazed at him. “You were really gonna drink that for me, weren’t you?”

Steve shrugged. “Well, yeah.”

“You were gonna drink the fat.” Bucky stepped forward and slipped his hands around Steve’s waist. “Aww, Stevie.”

“Let’s see what else he’ll do!” Clint cried.

Steve rolled his eyes. “How about you go and get dressed? You–” he pointed at Scott “–give him back his underwear. I want everyone in the garage in two minutes. Tony! Hurry the fuck up!”

Clint went to go get dressed, lunging the whole way, and Scott followed him, shaking his head as he went. Steve pointed at Wanda and she nodded, following them to make sure they didn’t get into anymore stupid arguments.

Bucky rested his chin on Steve’s chest and looked up at him. “I love it when you get all authoritative.”

“I know,” Steve said, grinning. He leaned down and kissed Bucky.

Bucky pulled back first. “I gotta go get ready.”

“Mmokay.” Steve reluctantly let him go.

“Okay,” Tony said, coming into the room, finally fully dressed. He grabbed his phone off the counter, where Steve had forgotten it. “JARVIS, delete Pepper’s voicemails.”

“ _Voicemails deleted_ ,” JARVIS said.

“Tony, what are you doing?”

Tony shushed him. “Now, record a new message.” He raised the phone to his ear. “Hi, Pepper, it’s me. Listen, I don’t know if you meant to call me earlier, maybe you’re getting your period and missing me or something, but we said we wouldn’t talk and I think that’s probably for the best. I mean, I’ve gotten over you, so I suggest you try to do the same. Okay. Bye.”

“Dude,” Sam said.

“Seriously?” Steve said.

“ _Outgoing message changed_ ,” JARVIS said.

There was a pause.

“Outgoing? Did he just say outgoing?” Tony said. “NOT OUTGOING, JARVIS. Call Pepper.”

He put his phone on speaker. It rang once, before going straight to voicemail. “ _Hi, Pepper, it’s me. Listen, I don’_ _t know if you meant to call me earlier, maybe you’re getting your period–_ ”

“NOOOO!” Tony cried.

“Listen,” Steve said. “We gotta go.”

“But–”

“Nat,” Steve said.

Natasha took Tony’s arm and started pulling him towards the garage. Tony clutched at her. “Maybe… maybe JARVIS can change the message. Maybe we can change her number.”

“Yeah, I think she’ll be doing that herself after tonight,” Natasha said, guiding Tony out of the room.

“Bucky?” Steve called.

Bucky stepped into the room, adjusting the cuffs of his suit jacket. His hair was pulled back, revealing the sharp lines of his jawbone. He paused when he saw Steve and spread his arms a little, smiling.

“Well?”

“Wow,” Steve said. “You look… wow. Fuckin’ gorgeous.”

Bucky stepped up to him, letting Steve pull him close. “And I still have about… five seconds to spare.”

Steve leaned down and kissed him. Bucky kissed him back, hands clutching the front of Steve’s jacket.

“That was about seven seconds,” he breathed when they broke apart.

Steve shrugged. “So we’re a little late.”

Bucky slipped his hand down to twine his fingers with Steve’s. “Come on,” he said, tugging Steve towards the garage. “Oh, and by the way, I’m going commando too.”

“Ungghhh,” Steve groaned, and let Bucky pull him away.

The problem with not interfering, Sam thought, was that sometimes people forgot he was even there at all.

**Author's Note:**

> After Steve’s speech, they were sitting around the table, drinking various alcoholic beverages (and not fat), when Nick Fury sat down in the empty chair beside Steve. He congratulated Steve for a minute, before someone cleared their throat.
> 
> “Excuse me,” Scott said, and Fury looked up at him. “Hi.”
> 
> “Yes?” Fury said.
> 
> “Well, you’re kind of sitting in my seat.”
> 
> “What do you mean, your seat?”
> 
> “I mean, I was sitting there.”
> 
> “But you got up.”
> 
> “But I never left the room!”
> 
> “Yes, but you left the chair area.”
> 
> Scott stared at him. “All right, that’s it. Give me your underwear.”


End file.
